This zine makes me so happy. Thirty stories about turning 30. I love knowing that a lot of people my age are re-examining thoughts on age, adulthood, and activism at around the same point in their lives. Lots of people started doing zines and getting involved with punk rock/DIY in the mid-90's, so this seems like a good idea to address how we change as we get older. Something I really like about this zine is the diversity of contributors. I especially love that quite a few of the contributors are either current or former staffers at Wooden Shoe Books. 

"The vision I have for my 30's is to actualize all of the things I talked about doing in my 20's. I want to take inspiration from, and further cultivate, the best aspects of my youthful past. Simultaneously, I want to learn from the mistakes I've made, the low points of my personal continuum. This is not to say that it will be easy or that history won't repeat itself. My life will inevitably come full circle again, but I am hopeful for what the next 360 degrees holds for me."

This is a really impressive first issue. In addition to a hand stenciled cover, this zine about gender boasts five contributions from other writers, in addition to the four written by Anne. I like that this is pretty varied in topic. It addresses both partner reception of potential gender divergence, butch/femme as gender identity, how feminism molds gender expectations for heteronormative couples, and how queer identity can shape a visit to the gyno. There are a lot of other articles in this really well paced, text heavy zine. I'd love to see more zines like this in the world. 


"My partner thinks whatever I can imagine is worth imagining. On our second date I remember, clearly, her saying to me: "I.'m comfortable with ambiguity," and she seemed to know that about herself; it seems to hold true. It's such a relief to be able to discuss these strange desires (and other, stranger ones) without the precursory shut down, without her letting me know before I speak that she'd rather not hear what I might say"

This zine is all about bras, boobs, and how they relate to gender and sexuality! This is such a relevant and interesting issue that I'm shocked it hasn't been previously covered. Anne talks about how awkward bra shopping (as well as the dreaded fittings) and bra maintenance. Breasts, in the day to day, are sexualized more than any other female body part and the bra you wear has a lot to do with how you present and feel about yourself. I've never given much thought to how personal and political bras can be until I read this issue. My favorite part of this zine was reading the surveys with other people. It was so interesting so see how a lot of different people, busty or flat, straight or queer, regarded the business of the over-the-shoulder-bolder-holder. 

"It's not so much about the wearing the bra as having the breasts. It was difficult to have breasts as a teenage girl, especially rather large breasts. At home, in my room, I loved my boobs. But once I was out in the world, especially the middle and high school, it was like my breasts didn't belong to me anymore. They were the property of every teasing boy, leering man, and envious friend. 

This issue of Alex is a lot more personal. Rather than focusing on other people's experience, or how her experience might relate to others, Anne is able to talk about things like her family's relationship with drinking and how it affected her decision not to drink anymore. She also talks about her niece and how people gendering with pink and blue clothing might (or might not) relate to their gendered behavior later. It's a really interesting thing to think about. Anne also writes about how positivity is shaping her experience as a recent transplant to NYC, and tells us her coming out story. Good stuff!

"A friend of mine has two daughters, aged 1.5 and 3, and when we talked on the phone the other night she told me all kinds of stories about the scrapes they get into. They basically spend the day destroying things: the furniture, the rugs, their toys. They throw food on the floor, on purpose. She told me recently her youngest opened a box of soup and poured it on the floor. Her older daughter grabbed a box of cheerios and poured the contents into the soup, and then after that they played games in the mashed up soup until their mother intervened. I laughed and said, "Your daughters are going to live life boldly." But I didn't tell her my other thought, that her story reminds me a lot of those boys will be boys stories."

Being a Virginia native myself, I was especially interested in this issue, because it's subtitled "Virginia Stories". This zine is fairly straightforward with a narrative, reflective voice. It's a really easy read, and quite text heavy for it's size, so I really appreciated that. Lots of stories about how geography and environment can affect your mood, and growing up in rural and rising urban areas.  

"The graffiti on those walls was gorgeous, and I couldn't help but wonder who had tagged them, and whether they frequent this place, hidden in the middle of the woods. It was the first place in northern virginia that I wished I could show to someone else. The only place I was happy to have found." 

I love this really rad, artistic zine. The authors, both art teachers, rented a car to drive across the country asking people about their ideas of beauty. They asked men and women of all ages and the results are all shocking and sweet and adorable and moving. Add to that, the amazing illustrations and this zine is re-readable. I particularly enjoyed the authors renderings of both their flaws and their good stuff. 

"There is a concept of aesthetics in physics. You say a theory is "beautiful" if it is very logical. You don't have to solve many things by hand. Things come out naturally. There are few parameters. At one point you developa sense of beauty. It's like when you read a new theory (and you are in this field for awhile) you are able to understand if it is ugly or beautiful in some way. So that is an idea of "beautiful" in physics." -Maurizio, Theoretical physicist. 

Zines like this make me miss living in a rural area. Sam is a butch dyke who lives on a farm and raises chickens. This zine talks a lot about gardening, cooking, and starting a CSA. There's also a really good salsa recipe in here, and some new ways to use it. My favorite piece was about Sam's favorite things about chickens. I love how she gives them all personalities. 

"I made a plan and set a share price and the number of shares we'd offer, then sold those shares to friends. It was very important to me to allow for barter to pay off the shares. We have the option for a shareholder to pay off part of all of his/her share by doing yardwork of other labor for us. I believe strongly in the value of bartering and the freedom it gives people not to feel so tied to a traditional wage-earning job."

Sam continues her tales of the pleasures and perils of farming, running a CSA, cooking and raising chickens. This issue has a lot of really delicious sounding soup recipes. I also thought it was really interesting to read about how the weather so dramatically affects farming, and especially CSA farming when some of the food you grow is for other people. Sam includes a really sweet blog post by her mom about a hummingbird friend, and some cute chicken drawings by her students. 

"Sunday was November 1st, but you'd never know it. The weather has been that glorious sunny-crisp fall weather for the past few days. But there's more than that. We have had a frost yet, so everything is still growing, albeit at a very slow pace. In the past week I've picked figs, peppers, green beans, raspberries, and tomatoes. No, the don't taste quite as amazing as they do in the summertime, and yet they taste even more amazing since it's November."

I really like the cool, creepy chicken or turkey skeleton print on the cover of this zine. This issue talks a lot more about the day-to-day running of the CSA - how hard it is to lose valuable produce to insects, rodents, and weeds. One of my favorite things to read about in Sam's zines is the chickens and the turkey. She writes about them with the same enthusiasm and familiarity that most folks would write about dogs or cats. This issue talks about a wounded chicken, the death of a pet turkey and a chicken. And there's pretty detailed listing of all of Sam's animal friends (several pages long).

"Despite her squinty little eye, jack has always been active and outgoing. In fact, when we first brought the turkeys home, we worried that she might be overly aggressive. She spent the first few days always getting in everyone's face and pecking at them. Thankfully, that behavior mellowed out."

This zine exhaustively details Sam's sleep disorder from early in her life through diagnosis. It's not a cheerful zine, but it is very realistic. There's a lot about not just how she felt at various points, but reactions from her mom and girlfriend. There are some pretty grueling stories about CPAP machines and sleep studies, but especially about how the medical industry created a lot of red tape and complication for a mis-diagnosis and little help in treating her sleep disorder. There's also a really interesting looking reading list. 

" I was never a morning person. Ever. My earliest memories of waking up are from early elementary school, perhaps even kindergarten. I did not rise and shine. I was plucked out of bed, carried upstairs ... and deposited on the toilet for my morning pee. I sat there groggily." 

Deafula #1 talked a lot about Kerri's unique experience being Deaf, how it related to her, and how it has shaped her as a person. This issue takes a pretty natural next step, and talks about the health and financial aspects of hearing loss. Namely, how expensive hearing aids, batteries, and audiologist appointments are and how rarely those things are covered by insurance. 

Lots of really sobering, educational stuff here. 

"The average price of a hearing aid is $1,800. That is per hearing aid - most people wear bilateral aids (in both ears), doubling the cost. I had to replace both of my aids in 2008 (a friend's cat are my last ones. I wish I was making that up.) and opted for a pretty middle of the road set. They were digital with basic functions and options, and not a high end brand. My total cost  = $6,750. Total amount that my insurance covered = $0." 

This issue of Deafula is about being deaf and still making sure that people realize that you are speaking only for yourself (not as a spokesperson for a community). Kerri also talks about how people react when they find out that her long term partner is a musician, as well as receiving relay calls. There's also a list of the 5 most annoying things to people with hearing loss an the five things you miss out on by not being deaf. Super awesome printed cover, too. 

"I have the magical choice that I never have to hear something if I don't want to. This is especially useful for sleeping, because I get 100% golden silence when I'm going to sleep, even if things are crazy loud around me. I've gotten so used to tuning out at my leisure and to concentrate, that usually when I write or paint or want to focus on something, I turn them off and take them out. There is something really satisfying about the kind of focus that no auditory distractions can give you." 

There are a couple of things I want to say before I dive right into the meat and potatoes of describing this zine: It's huge - at over 100 pages, it's one of the longest zines I've seen put out by a single author ever. And also, it's not for everyone. If you've attempted suicide or know someone who has, it might be triggering for you. Jazz's warning, in his own words: "There's stuff about suicide, suicidal ideation, self harm, depression, anxiety, disordered eating, gender dysphoria, isolation, criminal activity, unrequited crushing, bad taste in music, domestic violence + stalking, and probably other stuff I can't remember." That said, it's one of the best zines I've read in a long time. It's not only well written, it's honest and the author is thorough in his examination of himself, his actions, and how the affect the world around him. He talks not only about his suicide attempts, but his relationship with his psychiatrist, and about being hospitalized voluntarily after trying to commit suicide. It's really important to talk about mental health issues if any sort of  de-stigmatization is going to occur. I'm really glad this zine exists.

"My life is in a place I want it to be. I have felt so much stigma around not only m depression and the many manifestations of m symptoms, but also in taking medications as part of my treatment plan. I feel like sometimes I'm seen as this person who because I'm taking psych drugs, is buying into a fucked up system where sometimes placebos work just as well as the actual medication, and I'm being conned, or I wanted an easy way out from my depression.
I don't think I'm being conned, and I can testify that this has been anything but easy. I know I did what I had to do to stay alive and will continue to do so. I'll continue to follow the advice inked on my fingers - to reach for thriving over simply persevering."

I really like the way this is formatted, with questions and answers. As always, Cindy's answers are eloquent and thought provoking and give the reader a deep insight into what must be a really rich mental landscape. I'm love Cindy's drawing style and the way her drawings are sparse and crowded at the same time. 

"I want to be one forgotten, not to go down in history. I want to be one who works hard, persistently. I want to know when to speak and when to let it go. 

I want to be a sanctuary. Come here. It's ok now."

This is one of my favorite issues of Doris. Something I find about this zine is that, when I re-read issues that I've enjoyed, there's something new that jumps out at me. This particular issue talks a lot about hope, shyness, social ecology, and truth. It's brilliant, of course. But you should expect that by now. 

"Hope is like a crush, making things as beautiful as possible even knowing you'll get hurt. It won't sustain you, not like the hard work of love will, but it pushes you beyond what you thought you were capable of."

This issue deals with Cindy's move to Portland (away from her mom and her first love), feeling lost in a new place, and finding community. I think the themes of searching and feeling sort of lost will ruminate with a lot of people, because in some way or another, we've all left some place behind for adventures elsewhere. 

"I know it has been said a million times - how we need to make sure there are houses people can come to, places we can gather. How we need to make sure to welcome. To not isolate. To keep taking risks. To keep seeing beauty. To keep alive and alive in the world. And to remember to thank our friends for the things they have given. And to remember to give. Reach out. Risk. Love."

Mini-horses! This is about how Cindy's land is becoming sort of a farm. It also deals with buying land, building a home, making plans, and visions for the future. In this issue Cindy talks about the death of a friend, Samantha Dorsett (of Plan-It-X), and her grandma's failing health, as well as racism and the importance of checking white privilege in yourself, and within punk/anarchist communities. 

"I feel bereft. This is what I keep thinking when my head and brain go slack. Bereft. This is the word for it. And naming removes some of the pain. It distances or removes. 'This is why I'm a writer,' I think to myself, bitter voice in my head, 'to keep separate the pain, to object the pain. Give it some form outside myself. Get it away. Distance it.'"

This little zine is packed with good stuff, as always. My favorite piece in this issue is called "How I Quit Worrying and Learned to Love Being Queer." I think queer person has felt stigmatized by that community for some reason or another, and this is about creating your own community and accepting love where it is given to you. There's more in here about Cindy's mini-ponies, which I love reading about, as well as stuff about voting, and a Rock Camp for Girls that Cindy and her friends put together. The thing that made me laugh out loud though, was the part about overhearing her grandparents talk about how gay men have sex. 

"It is said that you have to love yourself first before anyone else is going to love you. But it is wrong. It is biologically untrue. A child in isolation will not develop concepts like love or self-love. We have to receive love in order to know what it is. We learn to understand ourselves by what is reflected around us. We have to be loved in order to love ourselves."

This is a story about the ways the incest changes you. The decisions you make, the way you relate to family, the marks it leaves on intimate relationships. There are a lot of unusual factors to Peregrine's story. You don't hear a lot about men abused by women. I think there is a lot of shame and stigma there, and maybe that's why. This zine takes us through the author's process of self-discovery, coming out to his parents about the abuse, and putting it into a larger context. This is really well written, and I'm glad it exists in the world. There's a really nice list of references in the back that could be good resources for other incest and abuse survivors. 

"Keeping silent about abuse is one of the most unbearable experiences a person can endure. It is like being eaten alive by a parasite, slowly, from the inside. It is carried in the body, it feeds, and at night, it invades dreams. The pain grows sharper with each hour as it continues to consume, until finally the carrier crosses the threshold into either total subjection or into action."

This is Ramsey's zine that is not structured in lists. This is a collection of comics drawn in 2010-2011. As always, these comics are well drawn and thought provoking, covering subjects like: preparing for a movie night, only to fall asleep moments into the movie, integrating your punk rock life with your gym friends, frisby house (which is where Ramsey lived and put on punk shows with friends and roommates in Baltimore), road tripping, potlucks, and lots more. If you're a fan of list, this is a must-have. 

This is the second comic zine - made just before the 2012 Chicago Zine Fest when Ramsey was a zine-making machine! This issue finds Ramsey singing on her bike commute to work, doing some serious foot-gazing, getting acclimated to Philadelphia, and working on a seriously long comic novel called Year One. I enjoy all of the nannying drawings too. Maybe the only thing cuter than adorable children is drawings of adorable children.  

So, I'm relatively new to the world of the F Bomb, but I can't believe that this amazing compzine has been around for so long without my having seen an issue or two. I don't actually even know how there are so many difference pieces and perspectives on femininity, masculinity, and androgyny (both traditional and not) presented in only 32 pages. Seriously. The interview with drag queen Sylvia O'Stayformore (who was raised as a Mormon boy) was very interesting and many people (from all walks of life) present their views on gender roles and how they fit into their respective lives. Also, the split cover kicks butt. 

"I like that my short boyish hair means being able to go to the barbershop for five bucks instead of the girly fricken salon for upwards of fifty. I like that a wifebeater and jeans is completely ok for me to wear anyplace because my friends and coworkers have ceased to view me as feminine. ... I like that ladies trust me with their men because they know we're far more likely to talk about cars and chicks while drinking beer than fall into the sack. I like that guys are insecure about leaving me alone with their women  because they're concerned that we just might fall into the sack."

Vegan, carnivores, summer food, eating with dentures, cannibalism (as covered by a vegan who loves cows and hates people), institutionalized food @ the psych ward, helpful hints on gaining and losing weight, hangover cures ... pretty much every possibly perspective on food is covered once again in this enormous, exhaustive compzine. Seriously. I read this cover to cover, and just picked it up again to write this and there's SO much covered that I somehow missed an entire article about the relevance and meaning of food in the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey. 

I should mention that I wrote a piece for this zine, and I would blindly buy anything Sage is responsible for, so being partial isn't an option for me, here. I think this is such a needed resource. This zine includes awesome art by Ang West, and writing by Jennafur Parks, Celia Mandrano, Sage, and others!

"She always seemed pretty happy with her appearance until the second grade. There was a young girl in her class who took delight in telling my daughter that her round belly was fat and that she'd never be popular because she wasn't skinny enough. It baffles me. Why the hell is a 7-year-old degradingher fellow classmates like this?"

I was really hoping that the awesome reception of this zine would prompt a second issue, and as always, Sage does not disappoint. There's a lot of really good pieces, perspectives, art and photography in this issue, but my favorite pieces were the Thank You Letter to Beth Ditto and the interview with Anna Guest-Jelley, who teaches curvy yoga, which is meant for people of all sizes. 

"I feed my body vitamins, nutritious food, and I enjoy treats, too. I walk outdoors and do yoga. Some days I exercise and some days I don't. I turn up my favorite music and dance. I buy myself a new piece of clothing for the size I am instead of waiting to be a size that someone else thinks I should be. 

I am fat and happy."

I think this is one of the most important compzines to come 'round in the past several years. Addiction is a really rough subject for people to talk about and, and certainly to talk about well. One of the things I most like about this particular zine is that it doesn't try to be all-encompassing. There are interviews from a pretty broad range of people at various stages of sobriety. No judgement or mission statements, just life experiences from people willing to share their stories. I think this is such a needed resource. 

"Most people I know who want to quit have a really hard time with it, and there aren't a lot of resources out there that aren't religious. For most people trying to quit, it is really hard to talk about what a struggle it is. Quitting isn't a very acceptable thing to talk about. And so our stories, even our success stories, disappear."

One of my favorite things about Laura-Marie's zines is that they are both well written and simple. This zine discusses how the author handles events in her life around her bipolar disorder. This issue talks about dealing with her dentist and all of the anxiety and pain that comes along with it, as well as a really thoughtful interview with Arrow, Laura-Marie's friend who has paranoid schizophrenia. 

"One of the primary tensions in my life is my need to have a small world to keep me safe and my need to have a big world to keep me stimulated." 

I really like this issue. Laura-Marie tells us about going to the San Francisco Icarus Project meeting, joining a panel designed to help improve mental health services for LGBTQ people, going to a disability rights march, and reflections on losing services and identifying as disabled. There's a really wide range of topics in this zine, and I hope it was as theraputic and helpful to make as it is to read. 

"I have certain limitations that other people don't have, and they're psyciatric. And I deserve accommodation. I want to change the world to accommodate me. That's both practical and radical."

In this issue of Functionally Ill, Laura-Marie talks a lot about her friend Arrow. I really like reading about their relationship, and how central it is to both of their lives. I like how many things in this zine are framed as having been written to, or during a chat with Arrow. It makes everything feel more personal, more intimate. Laura-Marie discusses the idea of mad love, of recovery, and how she feels about her friend's self-harm. I think one of my favorite parts - certainly the most jarringly real - was the conversation with her husband about how Laura-Marie's craziness manifests itself in the real world. 

"Sometimes when I'm having trouble, I'll say my crazy is showing. It's always a good thing but can be so hard. 

But it's something I'm proud of, kind of like being proud of being queer. Even though, well, is it necessarily better to be queer? Feels better for me. 

Pride's weird, like I didn't really choose to be crazy or cultivate it, so how can I be proud of it? It was kind of given to me. But I do choose to claim it." 

In issue ten, Laura-Marie asked her husband Erik to tell her how he thought her bipolar presented to him. I thought that was such a brave thing to ask, because maybe the answer would be hard to hear, or triggering. In this issue, she talks about how they are from her perspective, which is also very brave. She also discusses her self-care methods for when she is manic and when she is depressed. There are a lot of other things as well, but the most educational part for me was reading about how the Icarus Project compares with NAMI (which is funded by a lot of pharmacological companies) and Mind Freedom (which is concerned with addressing abuse by mental health providers and human rights in general). Laura-Marie also discusses why she wants to be off meds, period. 

"It got dusky. Everything had a feeling of unreality. Everything was painfully beautiful -- the trees, the movement of distant people, the light. I wanted to die. I didn't know how to proceed, and dying seemed like a good option. I couln't think of what else to do.  But Arrow was with me on the phone, and as I quietly cried, I noticed the mosquitoes were biting me. I decided to go back to the truck. I had trouble crossing the path - I couldn't judge how far away the runners were. I was aware of the tears on my face and knew passers by, if they looked, could see the streetlight reflected. 

Erik came by on his last lap. It was dark. I got off the phone with Arrow, and Erik drove us home. I didn't talk in the truck. 

How is this different than before? Before this was happening every day. I would sink into it and live there. This time it was only a few hours."  

Do you ever think about the way you sit or stand? How the space you occupy in your normal everyday life applies to gender? This tiny, zine talks about that and how it affects other people, especially in public spaces - on public transit or at concerts, for instance. This is a really thought provoking little zine. 

"So maybe this is about more than a reclamation of space. Perhaps it is more metaphysical. Do I believe that people need two spots on the bus? One for them and one for their bag? No way Jose ... but I do reckon that people need to respect other people, everywhere and anywhere." 

This is a brilliant idea. So far as I know there aren't a lot of zines about burlesque, to say nothing of zines about beauty products and makeup tricks for performers. This is really interesting and well written zine also has interviews with burlesque legends Dirty Martini and Angie Pontani. 

"I have done a lot of trial and error research on my own that I will be sharing throughout the course of this zine (in this issue and those to come). I have also met so many performers who have been kind enough to share some of their secrets with me. I wanted to start this zine so I could have a place to share what I have learned and use it as a way to network with all of the fantastic performers I've been so lucky to meet. 

I should preface this by saying that I am a huge fan of Elvis's drawing style, and I love the way it looks alongside of this well researched, interesting zine about lesbian history. I especially enjoyed the comparison between 187o's romantic friendships vs. the lesbian drama of the 1950's. 

"And though they didn't have gay marriage back in 1870, they did have its queer cousin ... the mock wedding! Female friends would get together and host a same-sex wedding. The photos look quite gay, and probably some "mock" weddings were."

This second issue covers a lot more specific ground. Namely how lesbianism existed in the spheres of first wave feminism, the early gay rights movement, and the AIDS epidemic among others. Elvis also discusses the political lesbian, the Lavender Menace, and so much more. Bonus: there's a quiz in the back to find out which 70's lesbian icon you'd be. 

"And although a gay liberation movement was blossoming, there were rifts between gay men who, raised as men, did not necessarily share the feminist consciousness of their female-bodied comrades."

When I think of the 1920's, I immediately think of flappers an Gatsby. But what were the queer folks doing back in the day? This this third issue of Elvis's awesome zine seeks to answer that question. In the 20's working women weren't making much, so they depended on dating men (who often made more money) to have meals that they might not otherwise be able to afford. Elvis talks about the power dynamics of this, as well as Gladys Bentley, a masculine musician who, after having a moderate degree of hard won success, was suddenly "cured" of her gender issues. There are also articles about the Harlem Renaissance, and the British 20's as well. This zine isn't just well drawn and informative, it's quite long at 50+ pages!

"The term 'boyette' was by no means a popularly recognized term -but 'female boyishness' was popping up everywhere, and this particular newspaper produced a name for it. 

This is a listing of Shira's relationships, and is categorized by qualifiers like Sweet, Fucked Up, Porniest, High School, I'm an Asshole. I love zines that combine really good cut and paste with excellent writing. Case in point: 

"One these nights, I cry urgently, "Warm my back!" as we slip off shirts and bras and throw the blankets haphazardly over our bodies, and she turns her front to my back and we nestle into each other. Evidence of privilege held by the little spoon." 

This is an adorable little comic zine about the woes of parenting, the difficulties of potty training, and the persistent of children who love frozen desserts!  

In this mini-comic, a terrifying sea creature takes over a beach, laying waste to several innocent bystanders, and two very famous musical acts. How do you get rid of such a beast? With 80's hair metal, of course. 

Sample page: 

This is such a needed resource. First, the editor explains that it isn't a how-to guide. It's a collaboration of over ten thoughtful, well-written essays both from people who have been abused, and people who have been called out, or are part of an accountability process. This zine is enormous, filled with information. And while it's not intended to use as a guide, it's a great jumping off point to create a dialog in radical communities and to consider things from all perspectives. 

"I was reminded of a time when a lover asked me what I wanted in bed - I became dumbfounded and didn't know what to say. This silence triggered something in me. How can I be away from my body and my desires for so long, always responding to someone else's sexual needs, to the point that I can't even recognize or vocally express what I want sexually anymore?"

This is a really small, intense zine that covers, pretty in-depth what happened when Melanie had a miscarriage. It talks about the medical stuff, but mostly, it talks about her personal experience and how it affected her mentally and physically. The photo is of the first page, because each of the covers is a different print of paper. 

"The two months that followed my miscarriage were hell. I was convinced for some reason that Nate was going to leave me. He never even gave a sign that he was, I just thought it constantly. He started to get angry for my thinking that, but I couldn't explain why I feared it. I was practically trying to push him away, even though that's not what I wanted. I was suffering bad with depression. I kept having images in my head of killing myself. I didn't want to feel this way. I just wanted my baby back."